


The Truth About Spies

by thesewarmstars



Category: Dogma (1999), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-15
Updated: 2009-09-15
Packaged: 2018-01-25 12:46:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1649117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesewarmstars/pseuds/thesewarmstars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the Alan Rickman Film and Ficlet Fest at <a href="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/severussighs/">Severus Sighs</a>.</p><p><b>Movie:</b> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dogma_(film)">Dogma</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Truth About Spies

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to atypicalsnowman for beta-reading.

One night shortly before the start of his seventh year of school, Harry was awoken from a not-that-peaceful night’s sleep in his room at the Dursleys’ by a bright light and a booming voice.

“What the fuck?” he muttered as he sat up, rubbing at his eyes.

Suddenly, the light flared brighter. “Behold the Metatron! Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God!”

Squinting against the blinding light, Harry grabbed his blanket and tossed it over whoever was screaming, at which point the person stopped screaming, started coughing, and fell over.

Before the intruder could regain their footing, Harry blinked away the spots dancing in his vision and looked around frantically for some sort of weapon. Spying his broom, he grabbed it with both hands, ready to strike.

As soon as whoever it was threw off the blanket, Harry demanded, wielding his broomstick, “Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?”

“I’m the one who gets tripped and he’s the one who gets surly,” the man muttered. “That’s rich.”

“Get the fuck out of here right now!”

“Or you’ll do what, exactly?” the man asked, eyeing Harry’s broom derisively, “Fly away? Just sit down and shut up.”

Realizing he was at a disadvantage here, Harry sat. “Look – tell me what you want, just don’t kill or rape me.”

“Think awfully highly of yourself, don’t you? Always have. I couldn’t rape you if I wanted to – ill-equipped, you see.”

Harry blinked. “What?”

He stared in horror as the wizard unfastened his robes and parted them to show his bare groin. What the fuck? How could a guy not have a cock? Or bollocks? Or… well, anything?

“What are you?” Harry asked.

“I’m pissed off is what I am. And in a hurry, too. Do you honestly not recognize me, Potter?” he snapped as he did up his robes.

It was at that point Harry finally blinked away the lingering effects of staring into a bright light and really looked at the intruder. “Fucking hell. Snape?”

“Finally caught on, have you?”

“But… but you said Metatron! What the fuck?”

Snape rolled his eyes. “It was a joke, you brainless bottom-feeder. Metatron, the voice of God? I’m here to deliver a message from Albus Dumbledore – a prophecy of sorts; a quest, if you will. I thought it fitting.”

“But… but you’re a Death Eater!” Harry squeaked, wondering exactly where he’d put his wand and why he hadn’t thought to get it out before.

“Glad you brought that up.” Snape held his hands out, palms up. “I am a spy.”

“A spy,” Harry parroted skeptically.

“Yes, a spy. I haven’t abducted or tried to kill you yet, have I?”

“Well. No, I suppose not.”

“There you have it, then.”

Harry was still not quite certain, but he couldn’t argue with that, could he? “So, what is it you’re here to tell me?”

So Snape told him all about how he was the Chosen One and how Voldemort had killed his parents, but not him, and how he was destined to kill him once and for all.

It took him a while, but finally he was convinced Snape was telling the truth. Then he spent some time coming to terms with it all before he was really able to accept his responsibility. After that, he and Snape, along with Ron and Hermione, Dumbledore, Ginny, and a couple of Malfoys, had a whole big adventure and saved the world. Harry very nearly died in the process, but in the end Dumbledore was able to heal him and even take away his scar.

All in all, everything ended happily ever after. 

Except one thing.

“So, why are you… you know,” Harry said to Snape, waving his hand vaguely, “ill-equipped?”

Snape pressed his lips into a thin line. “That’s a rather personal question.”

“Hey, you’re the one who dropped trou in front of me. Besides, I thought we were… sort of close now.”

“Close, hm?” Snape sighed. “Hazard of the job, I’m afraid, the anatomical impairment.”

“Of spying, you mean? Well, aren’t you done with all that now?”

Snape tipped his head to the side and gave Harry an assessing look. “Yes, I suppose I am.”

“So… Don’t you think whoever made you that way could make it go away now?”

“Why are you so keen to see it happen, Potter?” Snape asked, narrowing his eyes slightly.

“Call me Harry.”

Snape nodded. “Very well. I suppose you’ve earned it now. So answer my question then, Harry.”

Harry gulped. “Erm, well. I dunno. I just… You deserve some happiness, you know? After all you did.”

“Happiness, hm?” Snape said softly. “And where do you think I might find that?”

Harry looked away. “I’m not sure, but you could start looking here. I… Even if Dumbledore can’t reverse the spell. I still want to… be close with you. If you want that too.”

Snape stood slowly and came toward Harry. When Snape leaned down and brushed their lips together, Harry thought his heart might beat right out of his chest. The kiss was soft, gentle, but even so Harry was panting when Snape pulled away.

“Wait right there,” he said. “I need to see a man about a cock.”


End file.
